Who here has said Yes, when they wanted to say No, and ended up down the road having to clean up more of a mess in a relationship? Do you see my hand raised?
Leading someone on or fighting to keep a dream alive when you know there’s no life left in that dream may be the definition of insanity.
And the sad news is, it didn’t have to be that way because your gut what screaming NO! but your mouth was saying YES. You ended up in a situation where it was messier emotionally and financially to get out when saying No at the start would have been kinder to everyone involved.
So why didn’t you follow your gut?
There are a few reasons. And, no doubt, we’ve all been there at least once over the years.
1- You are a people pleaser.
2- You consciously use the other because it seems they can lead you to an end goal you want to achieve.
3- You learned your opinion didn’t matter.
People pleasers are carers. It’s not uncommon to find them in the “caring professions”, like nursing, dental hygiene, teaching, and social work, to name a few. They grew up in a family where to be needed; they took on the role of taking care of everyone else. It may have been a role put upon you at an early age because there was no one else in the family unit that was acting responsibly. They often give until there is nothing left to give. They drain themselves for others.
User. Not a label that feels good, but most of us have done it. It’s when you do something you don’t feel is right for you to get to the end event you want. The old “the ends justify the means.” I have. There was this party I wanted to go to in high school, but I didn’t get invited, so I played up to a guy I knew was going. I got there, and it wasn’t all that great a place to be. It just didn’t feel right. Since I was there under “false pretenses,” I wasn’t comfortable, so I said inappropriate things and ended up leaving early. So it backfired and created the exact opposite effect with the cool kids than the one I wanted. It was weeks before I could walk down the hall without hearing a snicker.
If you learned that your opinion didn’t matter as a child, you may have become an adult who doesn’t know what you want to do. Our society teaches us the rules to live by, as does religion, and that isn’t all bad. But the rules are sometimes interpreted too rigidly. When there is no wiggle room for personal expression, a person may become a people pleaser or a rebel.
The similarity between the three types of people is they are all doing something that rubs against their internal compass. They are going against what deep inside feels right to them.
The effects of living against the grain of your true self can show up as chronic pain, depression, and an empty, longing feeling. Mind you, I am not a doctor, and I’m not saying that being untrue to yourself is the only reason for chronic pain and depression, however it is a factor. There is a link.
How do I know? Because many of my clients and I have relieved chronic pain and depression by learning to say Yes to ourselves and No to others.
No matter the reason you are where you are, it is never too late to begin again. It is never too late to say Yes to yourself.
Try it today.
Just say No. If someone asks you to do something, like take their kids with yours to the park, and you don’t want to, just gently say No. There’s no need to back it up with a reason. A simple, gentle No will do, then walk away. Let the thoughts of “oh, what are they going to say?!” go. Just let those thoughts go and begin to think of the fun you’ll have with your kids.
Then spend some time being clear with yourself about the truth of why you said No.
Maybe you are tired and won’t be able to give all the kids the attention they need to be safe.
Maybe it just didn’t feel right to you.
Maybe they had backed out on you more than once when you relied on them.
Now sit with the thought, “why did I feel the need to say Yes.” Daydream about that. Let the memories come up around it. And let them go. They are just memories. They do not run your life. They are not happening right now. You already lived them and survived. Your survival was most important to your body, mind, and spirit. Please note: if the memories or stories are overwhelming, bring yourself back to the present by gazing at something solid around you and noticing your feet on the ground. Then get some help to investigate your stories.
Memories without emotions are called wisdom. Take the wisdom. Leave behind the emotion.
Keep reviewing the thoughts, memories, and beliefs behind your actions, and you’ll be saying Yes to all the best things for you.
One event you may want to say Yes to is this Saturday, 2/18.
I’m hosting a FREE Pain Relief Webinar. It may be just right for you. You are the best judge of that.
Here’s to saying No more often and saying Yes to yourself.
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